It’s around 6 PM as I write this to you. Today was one of those difficult days when my body was feelings all things miserable and my mood was just all over the place.
Till about this year, I barely spoke about my health openly. Only my family and a few close friends were aware of it. I don’t think I was embarrassed about it, I just wasn’t sure what to say and how to explain it all. Because for about 15-16 years I wasn’t able to get any diagnosis. I was experiencing all kinds of pain and discomfort but none concluded to anything.
But now, I want to. It makes me sad to think that there would so many more people like me who’d be going through this completely unaware. Or would have to face problems just because no one could figure out my health.
Every doctor would say how it’s just stress and the mind playing tricks on me. I wasn’t sure how were the various swellings and attacks be explained as mind tricks. Because they refused to accept failure in finding out what’s up with me, I was made to self-doubt. And self doubting your reality isn’t a pleasant thing to do.
But now, thanks to my new doctor, I was diagnosed with Auto-immune disorder and she was able to help bring a couple of things in control.
But that doesn’t stop auto-immunity be itself and I usually get these bad days every now and then. Also, I’ve realised that I find it easier to handle physical problems better than mood swings. But when I have to deal with them collectively, it just feels like my body would shut down.
On such days, I mostly have one question “What’s the point of it all?”
When I wake up on days like these, I generally have a big fat WHY dancing around. And just to beat it up and prove its dominance temporary, I dance around with it too. (But only mentally, because physically? haha)
I don’t have any option but to face it and continue living. Even though sometimes living hurts. But I do have an option to make it worth while and see the silver lining wherever possible. I try my level best to make myself feel better. Today, books didn’t help. Because I could barely focus on anything, let alone reading. But music did! (And I share some songs I’m obsessed with lately at the end of this post.)
I wouldn’t want to forget that had it not been for auto-immunity, I would not have found myself. I would not have spent so much time with myself as much as I have for so many years. Now, I can be alone for hours and hours and not feel lonely. I am the most comfortable with myself and I’ve never felt this confident being alone before. I am quite proud of how I’ve been. For someone who’s had low self-confidence as a kid or a teen, it’s a big deal to say this and even more difficult to have achieved it.
But what I deal with, and have been dealing with for almost 17 years now, has made me who I am today. It has given me a new perspective on life and has taught me how to differentiate between what matters and what doesn’t.
So am I grateful for being unwell? Not really. But I am grateful for who I am now. Not because I’m perfect, trust me I’m not, but because I’m okay with being imperfect. I’m grateful of making the mistakes and learning from them. I’m grateful that I found stability in growth and adjustments. I’m grateful for having put all my focus on productivity and being as fearless as possible. (I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough for snakes and heights and a 100 other things, but you know what I mean!)
And of course I couldn’t do this alone. I have my family and my pooch. Doughnut teaches a new thing almost everyday. (Don’t worry parents, you won’t be seeing me chasing food wherever I see it!) I don’t think I would’ve learnt patience had it not been for him. Also, he went on a proper walk today after so many days!! How can I not be happy about that!
SO even if sometimes my health issues don’t have a face, even when I’m smiling and laughing out extra loud, it doesn’t change my reality. It only makes it a little better and a tad bit easier for me to handle it. I deal with this every moment of my life.
But as a great professor once said, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Let’s listen to some music now, shall we?